


If I Had a Heart I Could Love You

by Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 06:11:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum/pseuds/Dont_touch_the_phlebotinum
Summary: Bucky lived a life in the in-betweens. Caught between himself and the Winter Soldier, between selflessness and temptation, between life as an Avenger and life in the shadows. That conflict has never been more stark than when Thanos launches an attack on New York.It should have been an easy choice to make. But when it comes to Loki, things are never that simple.





	If I Had a Heart I Could Love You

Alarms rang out through Avengers Tower; a deep, rhythmic drone that buried itself down to the bone, and set Bucky's nerves on edge. Maybe that was the intention. Or maybe it was just Bucky that was the problem.

He clenched his teeth and fought to keep his breathing steady, grasped desperately for any thought he could that wasn't of snow-covered wastelands, of dingy laboratories. He could almost feel the cold travelling up his spine.

But it was soon a little easier to keep his mind on the present. Between each throb of the alarm the sound of heels clacking on polished floors grew louder, and Bucky shifted forward in his spot on the staircase — not a hiding place, exactly, but somewhere he could slip away to read without being disturbed. He'd had a lot of catching up to do since he'd been back. He peered down at the hallway below. Agent Hill came striding along it.

"Cap," she said, and Bucky twisted to see Steve approaching from the other direction. His steps were as urgent as Hill's. He was already in his uniform, still fastening straps and pulling on his gloves as he met Hill in the centre of the room.

Bucky watched them without a word. He rarely had any to give these days.

"What have we got?"

She handed him the tablet in her hand, and while Steve watched the screen his expression grew progressively bleaker. Even from the top of the stairs Bucky could hear the all too familiar sound of screams. In the time Bucky had been living in the tower he'd seen plenty of situations like this, but not once had Steve ever looked as troubled by the prospect of another attack on the city as he did now.

"Early reports from the ground fit with what we know of Thanos," Hill said, and Bucky's gaze flicked back to her, listening with keener interest.

He'd heard Thanos' name uttered before. The stories that had followed it had never been good. If he was finally making his move on Earth, dread did seem like an appropriate response.

"Damn it," Steve sighed. "Who do we have in range to handle this?"

"Wilson, Maximoff, and Vision are already gearing up. Rhodes is on his way."

"Have Vision get as far from the city as he can," Steve said as he took a step towards the staircase. He looked back when Hill came to an abrupt stop behind him, watching him with a frown.

"He's the most powerful asset we have," she replied. "Leaving him on the bench puts us at a huge disadvantage."

"I know, but if Thanos is gathering Infinity Stones, he'll be after Vision's next. We can't risk him getting his hands on it. Whatever the cost."

Hill nodded, reluctantly.

"What about Fury?" Steve went on. "Is there any chance he can help contain this?"

"Do you really think we can contain Thanos?"

A rare flicker of helplessness passed across Steve's face as he gazed back at her. "We have to try."

"I'll put the word out," Hill said, and turned on her heel to hurry back the way she'd come.

"Bucky," said Steve, his voice a mix of weariness and steely determination, and he glanced up the stairs to where Bucky was sat, like he'd known Bucky was there the whole time, "you in on this one?"

Bucky chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment. Steve wouldn't blame him for staying put. He could still fight, sure, but it was finding the off switch afterwards that was posing the challenge. He'd never needed one with HYDRA. But those people's screams in Hill's footage were still ringing through his ears, conjuring up the sorts of images that Bucky had seen too many times in his life. It was their city Thanos was laying waste to. It was Bucky's city, even if it didn't quite feel like home again yet.

"Yeah," he said, his voice rough from disuse. "I'm in."

 

That turned out to be a dumb move, in hindsight.

Bucky rolled onto his back with a sharp groan. It didn't feel much more comfortable. But the rubble and glass digging into his spine through the thick layers of his top was a prickle compared to the white-hot pain that flooded his left side when he took a breath. He choked it out again before the air could even fill his lungs.

Broken ribs, definitely. Maybe a punctured lung.

He could taste blood in the back of his throat.

The rest of his body was one dull ache, which made identifying any serious wounds by feel alone more difficult. Gritting his teeth, Bucky forced his way through the pain to sit up. Just that effort brought him to the verge of passing out, the world spinning ominously all around him. But the pain would start to fade soon. He clung to that thought like a lifeline, the one good thing HYDRA had ever done to him.

With one hand clutching his side, Bucky brushed the filth and debris off of his clothes to take stock of his injuries. The leather of his top was singed from the explosion that had sent him crashing through the wall, burned away completely in places, but the skin underneath was in decent enough shape. There didn't seem to be anything worse than cuts and bruises on his legs. He'd probably be able to stand, at least, which was all he was worried about for now. If he could stand, he could move, and if he could move, he could get back out into the fray. Even if he had to hobble there.

He climbed to his feet, rubble tumbling into the spot he'd abandoned, and shuffled towards the gaping hole of loose brick and broken glass that had once been a shop front, to study the chaos outside.

But maybe chaos wasn't the word for it anymore.

The sound of screaming still drifted faint on the air, but the cries were less urgent, less gut-wrenching, now, and the street Bucky looked out on was empty of everything but the still-burning cars caught up in the explosion. There was an odd sense of calm to the scene, despite the horror that had been unfolding minutes ago, that Bucky hadn't experienced since the war. He wasn't any more used to it now than he had been back then.

Overhead Wilson soared past, and again a moment later. Bucky watched him move in widening circles, as if he was searching the streets for something. He turned back to kick his way through the debris littering the floor until he found the earpiece he'd lost. It was in better shape than Bucky himself. But then, Bucky's body had taken the brunt of the impact.

 _"Are you sure?"_ Steve was saying when Bucky slotted the earpiece back into place. There was a kind of desperation in his voice that Bucky had never heard before.

 _"Positive,"_ replied Wilson.

"What is it?"

_"He's gone, Buck."_

Bucky's stomach dropped.

He was climbing out onto the street as fast as he was able to move, ignoring the sensation of a knife plunging deep into his side that flared with every step, as well as the others' dumbstruck voices crackling in his ear as they tried to figure out what the hell had just happened. Bucky already had an awful suspicion why Thanos would have so suddenly disappeared in the middle of giving their asses such a sound kicking.

He didn't bother to meet back up with the team. Digging the earpiece from his ear, he tossed it into the smouldering wreck of a cab as he passed, heading north, away from Avengers Tower. If the others noticed he'd vanished without a word, they wouldn't ask questions. The good thing about being considered damaged beyond repair: no-one looked too closely at his odd behaviour. Most of them tried to avoid speaking to him at all, which was fine with Bucky. There was no good way to explain this.

It was a sobering experience, walking through the city. Bucky had been fighting on the ground, trying to keep the carnage contained to as small an area as possible — which he'd failed at spectacularly, judging by just how many blocks Bucky passed that were in ruins — but he'd been too focused on Thanos to pay much attention to how much damage the city was taking. Bucky had seen city streets levelled by bomb strikes when he'd been fighting in Europe. He'd seen newsreels and newspaper clippings of the damage London had taken during the Blitz before he'd ever shipped out. He'd never thought he would see New York look so similar.

He turned onto a block that had been all but decimated. The buildings that were still standing weren't much more than burning out husks, smoke billowing from shattered windows and filling the air until it stung Bucky's eyes as he weaved through the cars abandoned on the road. He was still in his full Winter Soldier get-up, weapons on full display strapped to his back and thighs, yet nobody paid him any mind. They were too busy scrambling to safety to notice the murderous shadow in their midst.

He could stay and help with the relief efforts — he'd probably be a damn sight more use than he had been so far today. But there'd be fire and rescue crews on their way, and once the Avengers could be sure Thanos wasn't about to reappear somewhere else, they'd be back on the streets too. Bucky would come back and do his part later. Right now, the sight of what Thanos was capable of had cold dread churning to the point of nausea in Bucky's stomach, and he needed to be rid of it.

He broke into a run as soon as the pain in his side had dulled enough to let him. But even when it sparked again, even when it became harder to suck air into his lungs, he didn't slow down, until finally he reached an utterly unremarkable building on the Upper East Side. It was the kind of place that could slip a person's notice even if they were looking for it. The sound of sirens carried on the breeze, along with the acrid stench of smoke, though the area looked like it had escaped the brunt of Thanos' attack.

That didn't mean he hadn't stopped here after the Avengers had lost track of him, though.

That fear only intensified as Bucky made his way into the building and reached the top floor. It coiled tight around him, threatening to suffocate, if his heart didn't burst clean out of his chest first. He shouldn't have been able to make it this far. But there was no force compelling him to turn back even while he walked down the long corridor towards the lone door at the end, no unseen barrier stopping him in his tracks when he got too close. The only thing weighing Bucky's steps was his own growing alarm. Hell, the door wasn't even locked when he came to a stop in front of it and twisted the handle.

He paused to brace himself. It was deathly silent on the other side of the door. That could be a good sign: no sounds of a struggle coming from inside the apartment. It could also mean Bucky was too late. He took a deep breath, and pushed open the door.

The living room was empty. Nothing broken, nothing out of place. It didn't do much to ease Bucky's concerns.

"Loki?" he called, and strode across the room into the hallway that led back to the rest of the apartment. He didn't know what was behind most of the closed doors that lined the corridor. There was only one room that had ever been of any use to him whenever he had been here before. "Loki!"

He charged towards it again now. Bile rose in the back of his throat at the images invading his thoughts, of what he might find on the other side of that door: pale skin stained crimson; long, lean limbs snapped and twisted out of place; a mangled body splayed out on the bed. But maybe that would be better than finding nothing. Better than knowing Thanos could have taken Loki anywhere, hidden him away in some forgotten corner of the universe to make his death as drawn-out and painful as possible.

Bucky shouldn't have cared. He should have been grateful for the prospect of finally being rid of Loki, like the others would be. He wasn't.

It was nothing, him and Loki. It should have been nothing. It shouldn't have even happened in the first place. But somehow Loki had managed to crawl under Bucky's skin, and Bucky had gone crawling into Loki's bed in return. It had been weeks since he had finally found the strength of will to end it and not go slinking back, and still he could feel Loki's hooks in him, buried deep.

He probably wouldn't have been there now if he couldn't.

"I knew you would be back before long."

The voice came from behind him, smooth as honey, and at the sound of it the tension seeping into Bucky's every cell melted away. He could have collapsed against the wall under the force of the relief washing over him. Bucky spun around to see Loki stood in one of the doorways he'd gone charging past, leaning back against the frame and watching Bucky with the kind of smug smile that really shouldn't have brought a swell of affection to Bucky's chest. But he was alive; that was all that mattered.

"I'm not back," said Bucky, even as a smile of his own tugged at his lips and he did nothing to fight it.

He knew Loki wouldn't believe him. They'd played this game too many times before. Loki didn't look anywhere close to convinced as he watched Bucky, an eyebrow arched in amusement and that smile still planted firmly on his face.

"No?" he said. "What other reason have you ever had to come seeking me out?"

Well, there was no point sugar-coating it.

"Thanos is gone."

Panic flashed across Loki's face like a lightning strike, there and gone so quickly Bucky might have imagined it. He would have thought he had, if he hadn't seen first-hand the lingering effects of Loki's time working for Thanos. And if he hadn't found those few hints of deeper trauma a little too familiar himself. Loki stood up straight, the tension in his stance unmistakable even to someone who hadn't spent as much time drinking in the sight of him as Bucky had, and when he spoke there was a trace of concern in his voice that he couldn't completely hide.

"He was here?"

"You didn't know? Look out the window; it's pandemonium outside."

Loki turned and stalked back towards the living room, and as Bucky followed he glanced through the doorway where Loki had been stood. He found himself staring into a library storeys high, the rows of bookcases stretching so far in each direction Bucky couldn't see the end of them.

He'd given up trying to make sense of Loki's apartment. Technically it wasn't even part of the building, which might explain why every room Bucky had seen didn't quite play ball with the laws of physics. But if any of Loki's neighbours had been confused by the sudden appearance of an apartment where nothing larger than a broom closet could have possibly fit, none of them had ever been able to step close enough to investigate.

"How did you stop him?" Loki said. He crossed the living room in two long strides — and for a moment Bucky wondered if the far wall hadn't moved closer to meet him in the middle — and wrenched open the blinds to peer out of the window.

"We didn't."

"He's left this realm?" He was still scouring the streets below with a frown, as if he expected to catch a glimpse of Thanos strolling through the neighbourhood if he stared hard enough.

"We don't know where he is. He just disappeared."

"You don't think it was a retreat." It wasn't a question.

"The way you used to tell it, I figure when Thanos is ready to make his real play, we'll know it by being dead already. Why would he run, when he can stop the Avengers even without a full set of Infinity Stones?"

Loki gave a single, sober nod. "It was a test, then."

"That, or a distraction."

The blinds fell back into place with a shudder, and Loki's attention was on Bucky again. "You think he wanted me?"

"He is still gunning for you, isn't he?"

It was the only reason Loki had spent so long hiding out on Earth, to try and stay under Thanos' radar while he was busy gathering his strength elsewhere in the universe. Bucky didn't know what Loki had done to land himself so firmly on Thanos' bad side, but knowing Loki, it was probably something damned stupid. It was a miracle he'd survived this long. He was using magic to keep himself hidden, no question about it, but when something big, powerful, and nasty wants you dead, there's no way you don't end up dead. Bucky didn't need a long, storied history with HYDRA to know that. Thanos probably would have already destroyed every planet floating just to take Loki out, if he hadn't wanted to deliver the killing blow with his own hands.

Loki's gaze was still on Bucky. He studied Bucky's face for a second or two, before a fresh smile crept across his own.

"What?" said Bucky.

"You feared for me." He sounded equal parts flattered and gloating. He took a languid, swaggering step away from the window to fold himself into the armchair nearby, a leg draped over one armrest and an elbow propped up on the other, like a debauched king on his throne.

Bucky did his best not to think of the last time he'd seen Loki in that chair, sprawled out in much the same way as he was now, Bucky on his knees between those spread thighs. Hands grasping at each other's skin, nails digging deep, until Loki's moans turned to wrecked shouts and he was left shivering and writhing underneath Bucky's hands.

His heart throbbed in his chest almost as if it hadn't been beating at all before that moment. Bucky forced his gaze from where it had landed, back up to Loki's face. He was still watching Bucky like he knew his every thought.

Maybe he did. It would explain how he'd always been there to sidle up to Bucky when he was at his lowest, ready with the right words to whisper in Bucky's ear. How he'd managed to plant himself in Bucky's thoughts long before they had ever found their way into each other's beds. It was better than any other reason Bucky could come up with for why he'd always been so drawn to Loki.

"Are you having trouble letting go?" Loki went on.

"Hey, you were the one who got dumped, remember?"

"And you've never once regretted your own actions."

Bucky swallowed, and he couldn't hold Loki's gaze, probing and intrusive as ever. Once upon a time he would have fought to keep his eyes on Loki's, to keep his expression blank. Anything but let him know he'd struck a nerve. Bucky had stopped bothering pretty quickly, during those long nights sat up on the roof of Avengers Tower together. Loki could always see straight through him.

"We stopped having sex," Bucky said. "Doesn't mean I want you dead."

"So you abandoned your post, and raced across the city amidst pandemonium, as you called it, just to make sure I wasn't dead? That seems a lot of effort to go to for one you claim not to care for. Why would it matter to you either way?"

Bucky gave a tiny sigh to himself. It looked like this wasn't going to be a simple case of checking on Loki and heading back out to join the Avengers. It was stupid of him to have ever believed it would be.

Resigned to it, Bucky stepped forward. "Because you might deserve a hell of a lot," he said while he rounded the back of the couch and took a seat, "but I don't think you deserve whatever Thanos would do to you."

Loki cocked his head as he considered Bucky, exposing the sharp line of his jaw when his hair tumbled back over his shoulder. Watching him, Bucky could almost taste Loki's skin on his lips again. He licked them.

"Since you were of such noble intentions, then, I take it you have the full support of your teammates in being here." His tone was innocent, but the quirk of his eyebrow said everything his voice didn't.

Bucky looked away. He had a sudden, intense fascination for Loki's coffee table. There'd be good reason to, actually; the last time Bucky had seen it, the glass top had been scattered in a thousand tiny shards across the floor, after he and Loki had been even less careful than usual. There wasn't so much as a scratch on it now.

"Ah," Loki said. Sirens blared from outside, drifting away to nothing within seconds, and Loki's gaze passed lazily to the window, like the destruction outside wasn't more than a minor inconvenience to him. His eyes flicked back to Bucky. "Well, this is just like old times, isn't it? You slipping away from your friends to find me." A smile stretched across his face, the kind of smile Bucky's mother would have once said contained a devil. Maybe it really did. "You miss me, Jim. Admit it."

Bucky's lips wanted to smile, just a little, and he didn't fight it. "I'm trying to be good," he said, even as that same selfish part of him that had always struggled to stay away from Loki urged him not to. "I can't keep ending up in your bed."

"Sounds dull," said Loki.

Bucky was inclined to agree. But life had been a little too interesting for his liking for some time now. Dull was better. Safer, at any rate. He'd never bought into Loki's protestations that he was more interested in the Winter Soldier than in Bucky himself, that all of this between them was just a plot to turn Bucky into some goon to do Loki's bidding, but still, there was something in Bucky — some leftover part of the Winter Soldier, or maybe the reason HYDRA had been able to create him in the first place — that did wonder if life would be simpler, less painful, if he just gave in. Keeping his distance from Loki wasn't just to make sure the Avengers didn't find out about what the two of them had been up to after dark. It was to keep Bucky on the straight and narrow.

"Out of curiosity," Loki said, and Bucky looked back over at him, "what would have happened if Thanos had been here when you arrived?"

"Well, I guess we'd both be dead by now."

The corner of Loki's mouth twitched, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it change in his expression that maybe Bucky shouldn't have been looking intently enough to catch. But If he didn't know better, Bucky would have thought Loki looked almost fond in that split-second of genuine, unguarded emotion.

"Not much of a knight in shining armour, are you?"

"Hey, you wouldn't even care if it was the other way round, so I think I deserve a little credit."

"Who says I wouldn't care?"

"Are you kidding? I've got nothing you want, Loki."

"No?" Loki said. "I'd say you have quite a bit that I want."

He sat forward as he spoke, eyes burning with intensity, and Bucky shifted under his gaze. He could feel the heat spreading beneath his skin, the way it always did when Loki looked at him like that. Usually by now Bucky was already kissing him in response, tugging at his clothes while they sank down onto whatever surface had the misfortune of being nearby. Not this time.

"You realise there's millions of people in this city you could be sleeping with instead, right?" Bucky said.

"Yes, and so far you're the only one capable of keeping up with me."

Bucky swallowed down the perverse sense of pride that threatened to surge in his chest at that revelation. This wasn't the reason he was here. And he had more important things to do than sit and reminisce. "He'll come back," he said, forcing his eyes to the windows and not letting them wander. There was ash collecting on the glass. The air outside must have been thick with it. "Thanos."

"Oh, of course." Despite his attempt at casual, Bucky could hear the tightness in Loki's voice, the hint of tension. Thanos' name was enough to do it; always had been. Loki's eyes were downcast when Bucky chanced another glance in his direction, his lips pursed, lost in his thoughts. This time, Bucky's eyes didn't leave him again, and after a moment Loki's gaze flicked back up to him. "You faced him?"

Bucky nodded.

"How was it?"

"I don't think I'll be having any more nightmares about HYDRA for a while, put it that way," Bucky said. The things he'd seen today, he wasn't sure he'd even be able to sleep any time soon. Gingerly, as if just the thought of Thanos made it ache again, Bucky pressed a hand to his side.

"Are you hurt?"

"I've had worse."

That didn't keep Loki from getting to his feet and coming to stand in front of Bucky, something that could have been concern on anybody else furrowing his brow. Bucky pressed himself against the back of the couch. The apex of Loki's firm, leather-clad thighs was too close for comfort. Or not close enough.

"Let me see."

Bucky's hand pressed tighter before Loki could pull it aside, and the ache swelled and throbbed. But it was a dull kind of ache now, the white-hot flare of pain ebbed away. By morning he'd be tender at worst. "It's all right, Loki. It's getting better."

"My concern isn't for your sake," Loki said. "I'm the one Thanos really wants dead. I'd like to know what he's capable of if he decides to make an appearance here after all."

Bucky swatted Loki's hand away. "You think there's any preparing for what he'd do to you?" It was harsh, maybe, but it was true. Bucky hadn't been anything to Thanos but in the way. Whatever power he'd collected so far, he would unleash every bit of it on Loki.

"Perhaps not," said Loki, cowed for the moment. As he raised his hand again a shapeless wisp of green smoke curled around and beneath it, taking shape until Loki was clutching an ancient-looking glass bottle. He swallowed a mouthful of its contents, and offered the bottle to Bucky.

Bucky had tried it before. He hadn't been eager to relive the experience. But he took the bottle from Loki's hand and gulped some down anyway, feeling it burn all the way to his stomach. It was like swallowing acid. But it was still the most pleasurable part of his day so far.

"You could help us try and stop him," Bucky said while he handed the bottle back to Loki. He was staring back down at Bucky, eyebrows raised in incredulity. Despite Loki's scepticism, though, the idea wasn't part of some naïve wish of Bucky's for everybody to get along. Loki was a useful person to have onside. He knew more about Thanos than anyone — or anyone living, at least. "They might even be gracious enough to not lock you up after."

"Or, more likely, they'd throw you in a cell alongside me once they find out you've been having an affair with the Avengers' most wanted."

Bucky ignored the fact that Loki spoke as if it wasn't over. It probably wasn't, in Loki's mind, not until he wanted it to be. Maybe if Bucky ventured up to the roof of the tower one night, he'd find Loki still there waiting for him, like he used to.

"How would they find out?"

The same patronising expression that would have infuriated Bucky once spread across Loki's face, and he lowered himself to sit directly opposite Bucky on the coffee table. He spread his thighs wide enough to draw Bucky's eyes downwards, just for a second. There was a grin on his face when Bucky looked back up. "Do you really think you could control yourself around me?"

"I'm doing all right now, aren't I?"

"Are you?" Loki said. "Your heart is racing."

"How could you possibly know that?"

Loki's grin stretched wider. "Isn't it?"

Bucky didn't answer. He was just grateful his cheeks weren't flushing yet. His ears were burning hot already, but luckily they were hidden away under his hair. Loki would probably still be able to tell, though. He could always tell.

"Am I putting you on edge, Barnes?" He said it with an innocent cock of his head, as if it wasn't exactly what he was trying to do.

"You put everybody on edge."

"Not you, usually."

He must have been good at hiding it, then. God knows he'd had enough practice forcing it all down beneath the surface. But if Loki had seen straight through the lies Bucky told the others, the ones he tried to tell himself, Bucky would have thought he'd have picked up on the tension that would radiate from Bucky, the mix of relief and apprehension that would wash over him, at the sight of Loki. Maybe he'd just assumed that Bucky had spent so long with his guard up that he didn't know how to let it down completely.

Maybe that was true, too.

"Well, I came to make sure you weren't dead," Bucky said, with some effort, and forced himself to stand, "so I'd say we're done here."

"Yes," Loki replied, while Bucky sidled past his spread legs.

He wasn't done. No way was he going to let Bucky turn and walk out without putting up some kind of fight. But if Bucky kept moving, just put one foot in front of the other without looking back, he might be out of the door before Loki could voice whatever was coming next. The door did seem a long way away, though.

"I'm sure your friends—" he emphasised the word as if it was foreign to him, or a concept he found amusingly quaint "—will be waiting to make use of you."

There it was. Bucky stopped, and sighed, and glanced over his shoulder. Loki was still lounged on the coffee table, his eyes on Bucky, watching for his reaction.

"It's not gonna work, Loki."

"It always works," he said. When he next spoke his tone was conversational. The words themselves were anything but. "You know, they'll never accept you for what you are."

Grudgingly, Bucky turned back to face Loki. "And what's that?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear Loki's answer. He was already painfully aware of what he was.

"A creature of unparalleled talent."

"For killing people," Bucky said, putting voice to the silent end to Loki's sentence. "Not really a talent to appreciate."

Loki rose again, and strolled towards Bucky as if his every step wasn't deliberate. "Until you're fighting against those they want you to."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "Yeah, cause you'd never want me to kill for you, would you?" He didn't know why they were having this conversation again. It wasn't like he'd ever actually consider becoming Loki's flunky. If he never had to take an order from somebody again, it would be too soon.

"I'd not consider you a monster for doing the very thing I'd asked of you." He was stood too close now; close enough for Bucky to breathe him in. Close enough for Bucky to bury his face in the crook of Loki's neck. To slide his hands under Loki's shirt and feel him again. "I'd not shun you when you weren't of use to me."

Bucky couldn't listen to this. The more he listened to Loki, the more he started to believe him. He sighed again, and tore his gaze from Loki's. "I gotta go," he said.

"Do you want to?"

"It doesn't matter what I want."

"It's the only thing that matters."

In Loki's world, maybe. If only Bucky's world was that simple. "Yeah, I wish," he said softly, and he turned. This time as he walked towards the door, still hanging wide open how Bucky had left it, Loki was silent at Bucky's side. Part of him almost wished Loki would keep him there talking a while longer. He hadn't realised how much he'd missed being able to just say what was on his mind, without worrying what people would make of it. Twisting and trap-filled as conversations with Loki could be, they were still better than any other Bucky had. At least Loki actually made him feel something besides guilt.

"You know, you might want to consider beefing up the security, being a wanted man, and all," Bucky said, gesturing to the door as they reached it. "I just walked straight in here."

Of course, whatever wards Loki could put in place to keep people away would probably be useless against Thanos, but it wasn't just Thanos Loki had to worry about. He'd made himself more than a few enemies in his time on Earth.

Loki's expression faltered. "That's just..."

Right.

That was just for Bucky. So he could slip into Loki's apartment and avoid the prying eyes in Avengers Tower. Loki had never bothered to reverse it. Bucky didn't know whether it was hope that Bucky would return or expectation behind that decision. He didn't know which he'd prefer.

Bucky nodded, silent, and stepped out into the hall.

"Try not to die, Barnes," Loki said after him, his voice like honey again and humour in his eyes when Bucky met his gaze. "It would be a terrible shame if Thanos killed you and yet your teammates survived."

Bucky smiled back at him. "If things start getting hot, you can go to them."

"You and I both know that isn't true."

Bucky didn't know it — not for sure, at least. There was no love lost between Loki and the Avengers, but even after everything Loki had done to them, Bucky had to believe they were above letting Thanos get to Loki out of spite. If not, Bucky wasn't much better with them than he had been with HYDRA.

"Then you can come to me."

"You would betray your friends to keep me safe?" Loki leant back against the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest as he regarded Bucky with a smirk. "And you claim I never could have tempted you away from them."

Bucky shook his head, but he couldn't help the laugh that worked its way from his chest, the first in weeks.

He couldn't stay in Loki's hallway all afternoon, though.

"Be careful, Loki," Bucky said. "You're not as smart as you think you are."

"I'm every bit as smart as I think I am."

"Thanos is still smarter."

Loki's smile faded a little at that. "Yes," he said.

Bucky felt like he should say something else, but the part of his brain telling him that wasn't coming back with any suggestions. Instead he stood in place, watching Loki still staring back at him, and toying with the idea of giving in to the temptation and kissing him, one more time, just in case the next time he saw Loki it was as a corpse.

He couldn't, though. Bucky nodded to himself, and with one last tiny smile in Loki's direction, he finally started to move.

"Bucky," Loki called after him. Bucky stopped to look back at him. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard Loki actually call him that before. "You could stay, if you'd like. I'm sure your teammates can cope without you a while longer."

Bucky hesitated, sucking on the inside of his cheek as he and Loki watched each other. He knew what his answer should be. It was the same thing his answer should have been every time Loki had come to him with glint in his eye and a proposition. If he gave in now, he wasn't sure he'd have the strength to walk away again. But if Thanos was gearing up to launch a full-scale attack on Earth, there wasn't really much point in trying to keep away from Loki.

Screw it. They were all going to be dead soon, anyway.

"Yeah," Bucky said eventually, the word barely more than a breath. "Yeah, okay."

Loki smiled, and took a step back to allow Bucky through the doorway again. Softly, the door clicked shut behind him. Neither of them said a word while they made their way through Loki's apartment and into the bedroom. They'd never had much need for words at this point.

Bucky had expected Loki to stand and wait for him to make the first move, like it usually went between them. It was part of the fun, after all, making Bucky want this, want him. But instead, the moment Loki had followed Bucky into the bedroom he stepped forward to breach the distance between them, and he pulled Bucky into an almost desperate kiss, as if he'd missed this as much as Bucky had. As if it had actually meant something to him.

Bucky met his kiss just as hungrily. In all the times they'd been together, he could probably count on his fingers the number of times they'd bothered with something so tender as kissing, instead preferring to put their mouths to better use elsewhere on each other's bodies. He'd been missing out, apparently. Loki kissed him like it was the only thing in the world that mattered. It was hard not to believe him.

Well, if this was likely to be the last time either of them would get to experience this with anyone, they might as well make the most of it, Bucky supposed.

His hands fell to their usual resting place on Loki's hips as the kiss deepened, and Loki's teeth closed on Bucky's bottom lip, toeing the line between playful and dangerous the way he always did so well. The way Bucky enjoyed maybe a little too much. Bucky pulled him closer, savouring his scent, his taste. There was a strange comfort in the familiarity of it. Any other day Bucky would have been concerned by that. He suspected it didn't matter now.

Blindly, they stepped back towards the bed. Loki's hands slid down Bucky's spine, unfastening holsters and dropping them to the floor as he found them, while Bucky reached for the hemline of Loki's shirt and tugged it upwards. They only parted enough for Bucky to pull it over Loki's head, but before Bucky could lean forward and kiss him again, Loki was wrenching open the straps of Bucky's top. He was well-practised enough by now that removing the whole thing only took seconds.

Rather than dip his head and press his mouth to Bucky's newly exposed skin, the way Bucky ached for him to, Loki paused, his eyes on Bucky's injured side. Bucky followed his gaze. Even now, his ribs were an ugly mass of purpled bruises.

It still wasn't half as grisly a sight as the web of scars eight inches above it.

"It looks worse than it is," Bucky said, in response to a question Loki hadn't asked yet.

Loki's eyebrows quirked, and a sly smile spread across his lips as he looked back up to meet Bucky's gaze. "So we don't need to be gentle?"

"I'd never expect you to be." He wasn't sure Loki even knew how. But Bucky had never come to Loki for tender treatment before, so there wasn't much sense starting now.

"In that case..." Loki pressed a bruising kiss to Bucky's lips and shoved him, hard, back onto the bed.

Bucky laughed as he hit the mattress, even through the fresh swell of pain blossoming across his ribs from the impact. It had melted away again within seconds, and Bucky propped himself up on his elbows. Loki was stood between Bucky's thighs, his fingers toying with the laces of his pants. Bucky's stomach clenched in anticipation at the sight.

Thankfully, Loki didn't draw it out. There wasn't time for him to put on a show today. Loki pulled open the laces and stepped out of his pants, giving Bucky a few seconds to enjoy the sight of his cock already stood thick and proud and wanting, before he sank to his knees.

He didn't even bother with the straps around Bucky's thighs. All it took was one good tug, and Bucky's pants were at his knees, the clasps of his thigh holsters come open or broken completely by the force of it. Loki dipped his head.

At the first brush of his lips against Bucky's erection, all the air left Bucky's lungs in one shaking breath. Loki pressed a kiss to the base of his cock almost like it was an act of worship, his fingers curling around the shaft while he did it again. Bucky couldn't hold his gaze. With those bright, intense eyes on him as Loki kissed and sucked at Bucky's cock, this would be over too quickly if he did. He closed his eyes, and when Loki followed up his attentions with a long, wet lick all the way up the length of him, Bucky let his head fall back, too consumed by what Loki was doing to him to support it. He couldn't be entirely sure if the moan he heard had come from him.

It was surprisingly easy to let the rest of the world fall away. Even the noise in Bucky's head, the old ghosts and the nightmares that he could so rarely rid himself of, fell silent when Loki took Bucky between his lips and began to sink down on him in earnest. Bucky pushed up into Loki's mouth, his hands grasping for the bedsheets under him, kicking off his boots and pants to remove that final barrier between their bodies. He felt Loki's fingertips caress his balls, and slide lower, until the muscles in Bucky's thighs burned with the effort of holding himself still.

But even as he braced himself for Loki's fingers to press into him, Loki dropped his hand away, and with one last firm suck that almost brought Bucky to his end there and then, he pulled off Bucky's dick. Bucky gasped. All he could feel was the hot surge of his blood pulsing through him, as if he didn't fully come alive until moments like this. He opened his eyes after a moment, his body slow to come back from the brink of pleasure.

Loki was still watching him. His lips were dark, and shining with spit and probably more than a little of Bucky's own wetness. There was something a little too satisfying in that thought. Loki pushed himself up, his movements predatory, and draped himself over Bucky's waiting body. Bucky could taste himself on Loki's tongue when they kissed again.

It was even less restrained than the last had been, both of them wild with the thought of what was to come. They pulled at each other, hands in each other's hair, legs tangling together. It should have felt almost routine, the number of times they'd ended up like this, but Bucky felt each touch like it was the first, not sure what was coming next, and not able to wait for it.

He rolled them over. The sound of satisfaction Loki made beneath him hit Bucky like a punch. Bucky did his best to stifle the noise that threatened to escape him in response, if only to avoid making it completely obvious just how much on an effect Loki had on him.

He probably already knew. The fact that Bucky was here, wrapping his hand around their dicks pressed together between them and letting Loki suck red marks into the side of his neck like a brand, made it more than clear that Bucky was helpless when it came to Loki. At least Loki seemed too eager to feel Bucky against him in return to comment on it.

As Loki's mouth slid down towards Bucky's clavicle with a scrape of teeth that Bucky felt all the way to his core, Bucky glanced over to the nightstand. Usually, whenever they ended up here Loki anticipated it well in advance — which was never a comforting thought, but it did make things easier when they reached this point and all Bucky had to do was fling a hand towards the nearest surface to come across a bottle of oil. He wasn't sure he could bear to untangle himself from Loki to go in search of one, not now he'd finally given in to this.

"Tell me you have—" Bucky started. Loki was clutching a small, glass bottle in his hand before Bucky could even finish the sentence. He snatched it up like it was precious.

Bucky moved to rest on his knees, running a hand down Loki's lean stomach, feeling the quiver of anticipation in his taut muscles. This was his last chance to turn and walk away. He knew full well he wasn't going to take it.

He slicked his cock, and hooked his metal hand under Loki's knee to flip him onto his stomach. His grip was tight and probably too cold on bare skin, but Loki had never had any complaints about either before, and he let Bucky steer him into place with obedience he only ever seemed to possess in these moments. Breathless, Bucky pressed inside.

He slid into Loki as easily as if he'd spent the last ten minutes working Loki open with careful fingers. Not that he would have minded doing that — he and Loki both had taken their share of pleasure from riding each other's fingers all the way to completion more than once. But they'd had all the time in the world, then. As much as he might have wished to, they didn't have that luxury today.

He took a moment, more for his own sake than Loki's, and started to move. Loki's groan reverberated through the both of them, low enough for Bucky's hips to snap forward far quicker than Bucky's mind could react. If it had, it might have caught him before he could move so carelessly. The sudden jolt had the air tumbling from Bucky's lungs in a pained gasp, and he pulled back just enough to press his hand to his ribs, holding himself above Loki with the other, until the flare of discomfort settled again.

Loki twisted to look back up at Bucky. "It still hurts?" he said. He sounded more inconvenienced than concerned, but still, there was a hint of a frown knitting his brow.

"I thought you quite liked having me in pain," Bucky replied with a grin. He pressed forward again, slowly this time. The feel of Loki opening for him piece by piece was so good Bucky could almost believe it was enough to make up for the years of abuse his body had been put through, as if for that one perfect moment none of it had ever happened. He pushed until his hips were flush against the curve of Loki's ass, buried as deep as he could get, and dropped his forehead to Loki's shoulder, lips brushing his skin for the barest moment before he forced his head up again.

It took Loki a second to compose himself afterwards as well. "Well, yes," he said. He sounded breathless. "But it's more fun when I'm the one hurting you." He leant back to close his teeth on Bucky's bottom lip again and pulled, just enough for it to sting. "Knowing you'll be thinking of me with every twinge and ache for days afterwards."

Bucky let out a trembling breath, and his cock throbbed at Loki's words. He didn't bother to mention that Loki was never far from his thoughts anyway. He curled his hand around Loki's hipbone and pulled Loki back against him, as if the insignificant distance between them was too much, and rolled his hips in time to Loki's movements. They were barely doing more than grinding against each other, but neither seemed in any hurry to change that.

It hurt too much to move any faster. That was Bucky's excuse. The fact that it felt incredible to be slowly pushing into Loki, savouring every roll of Loki's hips against his, every clasp of tight muscle around his dick, was irrelevant.

Most of the time when they'd fucked — and, Bucky had to remind himself, that was all it had ever been between them, really — it had been almost a blur. Loki took charge, using Bucky as he saw fit until they'd both had their fill, and it was fast and rough and exhilarating. It was scratches raked along each other's skin, teeth marks sunk deep enough to draw blood. It was a bed reinforced by magic to keep it standing under the onslaught.

It wasn't anything like this. Loki had never let Bucky thrust into him slowly, their bodies pressed close as if there was some comfort to be found in one another, not quite tender in anything but comparison. They kissed again, Loki's fingers in Bucky's hair and Bucky's grasping tighter at the sharp jut of Loki's hipbone. When they broke apart, Loki let out a sound unlike any that Bucky had heard from him before, of pure unadulterated ecstasy.

He seemed to catch himself after that. He twisted beneath Bucky, and with a hard shove to his chest pushed him away. Bucky could have held firm against it, could have fought to stay entwined how they were, if he tried, but he knew better. Besides, the way his body was drawing taut and coiling with growing heat, he could probably do with a moment away from the enveloping bliss of Loki's body.

Bucky settled back on his knees. The moment he did Loki was up, his thighs brushing like silk against Bucky's as he straddled Bucky's lap. He pressed a crushing, uncoordinated kiss to Bucky's lips, and his hand reached between them to guide Bucky back inside.

He should have known Loki wouldn't be able to last too long without wresting back control. But Bucky was happy to hand it over.

His arms wound around Loki's back while they rocked into one another. He dragged his lips along Loki's neck and chest, licked away the beads of sweat beginning to form on his skin. All he could taste, all he could smell, all he could feel, was Loki. It was intoxicating.

"Tell me you've dreamed about this since the last time," Loki's voice curled around Bucky's ear, roughened like it only ever was in these moments.

"You know I have."

Loki gave a satisfied kind of chuckle, and his teeth grazed Bucky's earlobe, hard enough to make Bucky gasp. That only spurred Loki on. But Bucky was hardly going to protest Loki biting his way down Bucky's neck, or his nails digging into Bucky's shoulders as they moved against each other with growing desperation. The marks would be gone before anybody could see them. Part of Bucky wished he could keep them, like some twisted badge of honour. His hands pressed tight to Loki's hips and he fucked up into him harder at the thought. Of all the scars that could have stayed marred on his skin forever, he'd much prefer the ones that he'd taken some pleasure in receiving.

They sank backwards onto the mattress. Loki's hips didn't falter all the while, and he pressed his palms to Bucky's shoulders, holding him down as he fucked himself back on Bucky's cock. But it wasn't just his own pleasure he was concerned with. Loki knew what Bucky liked. He had a whole repertoire of tricks he'd gleaned from each and every time he'd touched Bucky, every time he'd watched Bucky touch himself. He put them to good use now. His every move, every roll of his hips, every clench of muscles and brush of his fingertips against Bucky's increasingly sensitive skin, was calculated to drive Bucky wild.

It was working.

Loki rode him like it was what he'd been built for, stretched up to the ceiling and grinding his hips in slow, agonising circles while Bucky stroked Loki's flushed cock. His muscles tensed and relaxed beneath the pale skin of his stomach with each movement. He looked more like a god than ever then, his skin glistening warm in the orange glow flooding through the windows. Whether it was the light of burning fires or just the sun setting over the broken city, Bucky didn't know, and in that moment he didn't care enough to speculate. Either way, the light had ebbed away to almost nothing by the time he and Loki had finally reached breaking point.

Bucky was the first to go, his hips still snapping upwards as his body pulled too taut. He arched off the bed with a cry that was quickly swallowed by Loki's mouth on his. Loki rode Bucky through it, his skin too hot against Bucky's, his grip on Bucky too tight. All of it was too much, in that moment. Bucky pulled Loki forward, off of his softening dick, and tugged harder and faster at Loki's erection until Loki moaned and cursed and spilled between them.

It was only then that Bucky gasped in a breath again, and glanced over at Loki sinking onto the mattress beside him, only just illuminated in the twilight. He wasn't sure what compelled him to — he wasn't sure why he hadn't already climbed to his feet and gotten the hell out of there, actually — but he rolled onto his side, and kissed Loki, slow, and deep. Loki let him.

He pulled back before the desire could swell within him to slot himself between Loki's thighs and start this all over again. But still he didn't make any move to push himself up off the bed, and Loki seemed just as happy for him to stay there beside him. They didn't often last this long after they'd gotten what they wanted from each other.

"You're not their most wanted, you know," Bucky said, staring upwards and fighting his body's urge to give in to sleep. He'd done quite enough giving in, today. "The Avengers'." He closed his eyes, just for a minute.

"No," replied Loki. "I imagine Thanos is a greater concern at the moment, given the circumstances."

"And Doom." When Bucky opened his eyes again, Loki's head was snapping up to stare back at him.

"Doom?" He looked affronted by the news. Bucky tried and failed to suppress a grin.

"You haven't launched a serious attack on the city in months." Not since right around the time that he and Bucky had first started spending more and more time together, in fact, but Bucky didn't want to dwell on what that might have meant. His voice was maybe too casual when he spoke again. "You've been slacking."

"Well, I'll be sure to rectify that as soon as possible." Despite his indignation, though, there was a hint of humour in Loki's eyes, and Bucky laughed. Loki met it with a smile.

"Maybe hold off on that for a while, though," said Bucky. "While Thanos is still in the wind, it's best if you lay low."

Loki hummed in response. He dropped his head back to the tangled mess of bedsheets that made for a makeshift pillow, and his eyelids began to droop. In the moment's quiet, Bucky's hand found Loki's hip, and he dragged the backs of his fingers over Loki's warm skin. Loki's eyes were still on Bucky when Bucky looked back over at him again.

"Loki, you're safe, right?" he said. "You'll stay safe?"

He gave a small nod in response. "Of course, if Thanos gathers the last of the Infinity Stones, we're all dead anyway."

"We'll stop him." Bucky said.

"Those words might be a little more convincing if you at least pretended to believe them."

A lot of things in Bucky's life would be easier if he could just believe the words that came out of his own mouth. He wrapped his arms around himself, feeling only a half-hearted kind of ache in his side, as if his body knew there was far worse pain to come to expend the energy on a few broken ribs. His gaze fell to the window, and the falling darkness beyond it.

The rest of the world finally made it back to him then, and with it came the realisation of just how much time Bucky had wasted here. He met Loki's gaze again, softer than Bucky was used to. Well, maybe it hadn't exactly been a waste.

"I should go," Bucky said, and reluctantly he climbed off the bed. "Work's not finished."

He dug through the scattered mess of clothes on the floor for his own, and stepped back into them with more care than they'd spared taking them off. Loki was silent throughout, watching while Bucky strapped his weapons back into place and ran his fingers through his hair to tame the mess Loki had made of it. When Bucky met his gaze again, Loki was stretched out on the bed, every inch of himself on display like he wanted the image to stay firmly planted in Bucky's mind.

He needn't have gone to the trouble. There was no danger of Bucky ever forgetting the sight of Loki like this.

"Are you coming back afterwards?" Loki said, with a sly arch of his eyebrow.

Bucky paused, his eyes on Loki's for a long moment. "We'll find out, I guess."

He turned and headed out of the bedroom, out of Loki's apartment. And as Bucky made it onto the streets to finally join the relief efforts taking place throughout the city, he wondered if he and Loki both already knew the answer.


End file.
